Clare Chodos-Irvine - i am a clock

 i only want to have a child if she is one perfect daughter 

this thought runs through my head like an affirmation 

can i have more time?

the cicadas fill the tree outside my window 

and they won’t stop screaming

a squirrel behind my apartment climbs the telephone pole every day 

every day it stands there nervously 

and it won’t stop screaming

there’s a ghost in the bathroom 

he has his mother’s eyes

and hands always, reaching, clasping

i practiced 

swaddling dolls so carefully in a light blue blanket

stuffing a pillow under my shirt 

growing into my birthing hips

i want to have a baby 

this thought consumes me

is this what they mean, 

about the clock?

i only want to have a child if she is one perfect daughter

i will hold her soft in my hands 

and believe the world is better

i will cherish her

and it will destroy me

i want to have a baby

but the cicadas are screaming and 

the squirrels are screaming and 

i am screaming

we are afraid of the ghost in the bathroom

and the crunch of bodies under our feet